By: Dr. Jamie "JC" Chambers
Raphi, age 16, is running wild, sneaking out late at night, drinking and using pot. His parents and five other siblings are worried and beleaguered, they feel hopeless to stop his present course. He arrives at my office smug, indolent and with that look in his eyes-"what do they think coming to this _______ place is gonna do? So, I asked him the ugly question, "what do you suppose your parents brought you here for?" With surprising honesty and boldness, he proclaimed, "They're freaking out cause I'm partying and staying out late, but this is my life and it ain't none of their concern, besides I ain't hurting them."
Jocelyn, age 15, is terrifying all involved with her, because of her relentless pursuit of control. She does so through the use of laxatives and alcohol. In her 1960's apparel, she arrives to speak with me about her current situation, her dad suspects she is drinking almost everyday, and starving herself 3-4 days at a time. Bewildered, Jocelyn's father's plea is that someone help him with this overpowering young lady. Typical of most single parents, he is definitely under-supported and over-stressed.
Reachable moments are what Monty Roberts calls the join-up or Max Lucado calls an eternal instant. It is the point in time when they (kids) give us access to the alley of their souls, the root of their pain. We used to think these moments were about the therapist’s smooth delivery of skill or technique. Rather, it is a function of connecting with a young person in a manner that fosters trust. By connecting, we mean regarding kids and their pain and having the tenacity to dig beneath the behavior that functions like a costume, a protective covering from further pain-based experiences. We don’t seek to strip away the costume but to work in a manner that promotes the child trusting us and thus decides to peek-a-boo at us from behind the safety of the costume. The gift is the momentary exposing of the “inside” to the naked eye of the teacher or counselor. We now realize it is simply the product of rapport and a GIFT from the child; a gift, we must say that we have often stepped right over while looking for gushy displays or angry retreats. All of Raphi’s or Jocelyn’s clues were subtle, slight shifts in the sand, only recognized by the adult who is attuned to the frequency of the child she or he is listening too.
In attempting to understand the heart of young people and what it is they need that they get temporarily through chemical use and other reactive activity, we have drawn from four models. The "Circle of Courage" model presents four foundational values for reclaiming youth at risk: belonging, mastery, independence and generosity (Brendtro, Brokenleg and VanBockern, 1990). Rapha treatment center proclaims these four possibilities when God is added into the formula: worthiness, reconciliation, deep love, and regeneration (McGee, 1987). Dr. Scott Larson (1996), of Straight Ahead Ministries uses a model based on five virtues: power, purpose, trust, mastery and self-sacrifice. Lastly, the Adlerian model proposes four values to encourage discouraged youth and they are specifically, respect, responsibility, resourcefulness, and responsiveness (Main, 1986). Looking at these four models, we have extracted four critical ingredients that seem to promote adolescents movement out from behind their costumes. We believe building an atmosphere based on these four ideas will increase the chances a reachable moment with adult-wary youth may arise and be utilized in an encouraging. These four values: compassion, influence, playfulness, and perspective serve as a lens through which we see and understand youth. They also guide us as we struggle to understand what kids need from adults and their living environments.
Compassion - possessing strong and deep feelings for another person based on the empathy and understanding of their pain and/or misfortune.
When speaking with kids who react defensively, it is critical to engage in a spirit that is attuned and willing to collaborate with kids on the change process. Most youth we deal with “hate” to be “helped”. This is easily done when your friend covers for you or takes the rap for you in a drug bust. But, when people take second place to things, we see people quickly turned into objects that are easy to discard. Both Jocelyn and Raphi felt a lack of compassion for adults and peers outside of their circle. Both had been exposed to the harsh realities of life and they both chose the comfort of belonging to group of peers invested in avoiding the pain and difficulties of the real world. Without intervention they will experience crushing inferiority, destruction and/or self-pity. However, with the development of compassion, hearts of stone can be turned to hearts of tender flesh that are willing to risk human contact once more. These same stony hearts that have been reclaimed now truly understand how to give comfort, because they received comfort and help for their own pain and problems. Compassion develops when youth are in relationships with adults and peers that are able to empathize and remain calm. Empathy is the power to say to the student "I think I understand what and where the hurt is located". It’s the therapists own sense that the hurt really hurts which validates (someone outside my costume says it is real) but it is the counselors calmness in the face of an agitated reality that the youth becomes to believe – maybe I can get passed this, because she not all shocked by it. Compassion is akin to Brendtro, Brokenleg, and VanBockern’s (2001) concept of generosity. Generosity, like compassion, will give students the ability to do things like: giving compliments, expressing affection and empathy toward others, making and receiving apologies, and laughing at oneself.
Compassion also contains the idea of helping students find their own passion and strengths which is often hidden beneath their crooked talents and leadership skills used in a negative fashion.
Influence - the ability to both be a recipient of positive decisions and have access to positive influences as well as making positive decisions and influencing others.
We see youth who feel powerless and thus engage in counter-aggression, fighting and outright distrust of any adult system. We believe that these young people are usually youth who have not experienced positive power and power used appropriately. We find this is not just a function of poor attachment. Raphi was a kid who was a power junky and parents who were stressed to the maximum. Raphi's parents had the right heart, but the wrong strategy. For Raphi, chemical use provided the medium for him to go to a place where he seemed fully in charge, where he could take risks and get away from paralyzing anxiety and fear. When asking what the danger in straightening up would be, Raphi replied, "I'm a success here, I set the standard, and I have not failed." Beneath the bravado was a young man racked with fear of failing. Robert McGee (1987) in his small paperback, Search for Significance states that "pride, depression, dishonesty and low motivation" will often accompany this fear. Youth who are at risk of developing reactive responses require access to real power in the form of useful information that is pertinent to their needs and issues. They need access to people who are honestly interested in meeting them where they are and access to opportunities where they can influence others with their stories and experience.
Playfulness - the condition of having shared emotions (joy, interest, excitement and curiosity) in interactions shaped by acceptance and openness where the primary intent is to be together, enjoy one another in a manner that deepens, broadens and repairs damage done due to hurt.
Engaging kids who have been bruised by life’s circumstances or by the people in their life requires the ability to get beyond painful realities. Playfulness sets the context to challenge youth to open themselves as well as take a position related to their pain that is lighter than is typical. Daniel Hughes, in his book, Attachment-Focused Parenting (2009) states,
“The lightness and openness of playfulness are important qualities to try to maintain when engaged in routine day-to-day activities…This playful quality helps to keep things within the perspective of the important things in their relationships, their larger goals, and their lives stretching into the future. This quality enables parent (youth worker) and child not to take things too seriously” (p. 74).
When working with youth and families affected by pain or shame, I have found that all family members experience the lack of play or fun. Renowned trauma author, Lenora Terr (2008) adds, “play sets the relational atmosphere apart from all other spheres in the youth’s life. The idea of infusing the spirit of play (“fun”) into what one does as a teacher/counselor is so important in working with kids. Sometimes the therapy won’t truly begin until that particular spirit is established” (p.101). Both Raphi and Jocelyn had relationships with adults that lacked this idea of playfulness; instead the relationships were filled with adult drivenness and strong interrogation.
Perspective - the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship; or the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship
When working with families affected by the destructive spell of chemical use, I have found that all family members experience the lack of perspective. Both Raphi and Jocelyn suffered from the lack of meaningful involvement with adults; Raphi, because of his parents' commitment to provision, and Jocelyn, due to the ravaging effects of divorce. We see in the life of Jocelyn, a young woman with issues that relate to the lack of perspective. In a later conversation, Jocelyn discusses the heart of matters for her, “I have always been afraid of rejection and when my parents divorced, I just felt like it was my fault. There had to be something I could have done to stop them. My drinking gave me the way to escape the lack of control and disapproval. Now, I can't tell you if I drank and starved myself because I felt this way or if my drinking and starving myself made this feeling worse. All I know is that for a while I was free. Not only free from these pressures, but free to be with my friends."
Drs. Brendtro, Brokenleg and VanBockern (2001) state:” Some youth who feel rejected are struggling to find artificial, distorted belongings through behavior such as attention seeking or running with gangs" (p. 47)."
SUMMARY: In summation of the final section, we believe it is critical to understand the differences between adolescent and adult chemical use. If the distinction is clear, then the methods of treatment will more effectively meet the needs of youth trapped by the lure and enchantment of chemical use. Also, looking beneath the symptom of chemical use can be especially helpful when dealing with the complex nature of adolescent chemical use. Most kids are in pursuit of compassion, influence, playfulness and perspective. If they cannot secure these nutrients positively, they will be pursued negatively, because without them they will be consumed by FEAR.
References:
Brendtro, L; Brokenleg, M.; & Van Bockern (2001) Reclaiming Youth At Risk
Hughes, D (2009) Attachment-Focused Parenting
Larson, S (1996) At Risk; Bringing Hope to Hurting Teens
Lucado, M (2004) God Came Near
Main, F (1986) Perfect Parenting and Other Myths
Megec, D (1987) Search For Significance
Roberts, M (2002) Horse Sense for People
Terr, L (2007) Magical Moments of Change; How Psychotherapy Turns Kids Around
