By Beate Kreisle, Reclaiming Youth International Board Member
,,You’re nobody, till somebody loves you… a line out of an old song maybe many of you know.
In my mind that is connected to a conference I attended some years ago. Everybody had their name tags. And some had different ones. These were the presenters. They had a name tag and a ribbon added to it saying “faculty”. I thought it helped with having an idea who would present tomorrow’s workshops. For me in some cases it made choosing easier, because I felt I’d rather listen to somebody whom I considered to be nice. The conference was on for three days. On the second day I met a lady with a ribbon of a different color. I wondered how that could be and went closer to read the printing on it. My thinking was it could say something like “keynote” or “award”. When I finally came into reading distance I saw it said “Somebody”.
This vignette makes me wonder now and then. Isn’t it a need of everybody to be somebody? Isn’t that the essence behind Urie Bronfenbrenner’s sentence, that “all children need at least one other person who is irrationally crazy about them”? Isn’t that need behind so many behavior problems, that children show in our settings and even before they come to our settings? And isn’t that need a basic need, equaling belonging in the Circle of Courage? And what can we do, if we find, that a basic need has not been met enough before, when we realize the circle is broken in the area of belonging? Where do we find answers to that very important question?
One possibility was pointed out in the May edition of this newsletter. Linda Lantieri wrote about how important it is to create opportunities for the brains of children where they can effectively learn how to regulate their emotions. Being able to do that in a way appreciated by society will help these children to be of meaning to others.
Goleman suggests in his book Social Intelligence an earlier way to develop that special area of the brain. He points out that playfulness is one of the first steps to sociability. He argues that all the practice in playing with someone will pay off in strengthening the neuronal pathways for being with others in a rewarding way for everybody involved. One striking thought he quotes from Panksepp is that maybe a lot of ADHD medication could be saved, if children had the opportunity to start their days with excessive play until that need is sated and then start working on learning in a classroom setting, i.e. first reassure the child that he or she is somebody and then start with the academics.
And then finally these emerging personalities could go towards the solution the song we started out with offers: .. so find yourself somebody to love.
References:
Brendtro, L. Brokenleg, M. and Van Bockern, S. (2002), “Reclaiming youth at risk: Our hope for the future (Rev. ed.).Bloomimgton, IN: National Educational Service.
Brendtro, L., du Toit, L. (2005), “Responsibility Pathways”. Circle of Courage, USA.
Goleman, D. (2006), “Social Intelligence”. Hutchinson, London.
Morgan, R., Stock, L. and Cavanaugh, J. (1944), “You’re nobody till somebody loves you”.
